(A very serious, peer-reviewed comedy of errors.)
Date: November 14, 2025
Mood: 2 espressos, 1 palpitation, 0 regrets
Previously, on “We Mutated Because the Microwave and the Diathermy Made Eye Contact”…
A cosmic surge turned the Artemis DrNB residents into the X-Men (plus side quests). The Internal Assessment looms. Mnemonics detonated. Coffee was weaponized. Someone levitated a BIS monitor “just to check if it’s spirit-level.”
Now the cameras follow our heroes into the Viva-Verse… where every corridor is a plot twist and every OSCE station is a boss level with poor lighting.
Scene 1: The Tactical Briefing (a.k.a. The 6:59 a.m. Huddle)
Professor X (Noah, still mind-controlled): in everyone’s heads at once
“Team, the examiners are deploying six OSCE stations, one long case, one short case, and a mandatory ‘Define ICP like it’s a bedtime story.’ Also, whoever brought samosas—you are the real hero.”
Kara/Phoenix lights a motivational flame under the whiteboard (metaphorically… mostly), and Nancy/Dazzler turns the bullet points into a sparkling choreo-graphic: OSCE, OSSE, OSSUM (typo accepted).
Caleb/Gambit flicks flashcards like charged ninja stars:
“C.O.I.L.” — Complications Of Intracranial Lines (explodes into confetti)
“M.A.N.N.I.T.O.L.” — Most Amazing Neuro-Neighbor In Times Of Laxity (HR asks we change this later)
Emily/Shadowcat phases through the locked equipment room and returns with a nerve stimulator, a spare cap, and the confidence we pretended we had.
Max/Wolverine heals from a stapler attack (don’t ask), Janet/Colossus carries three atlases and a rolling stool like a kettlebell, and Laila/Storm drops the theater temp to an “awake but focused” 22°C.
Logan/Mystique cycles identities: anesthetist → invigilator → plant in the corner. We nod respectfully to the fern, just in case.
Scene 2: Enter the Sentinels (Examiners)
They roll in like supersized Sentinels, scanning for gaps in knowledge and loose hair under caps.
Sentinel 1: “Discuss ICP waveforms.”
Kara/Phoenix: “A, B, C—like a soap opera: A for All Rise, B for Beware, C for Calm Down.”
Ethan/Cyclops (laser-pointer glint): “And physiologically…” (proceeds to align the entire whiteboard to a 10–20 system grid while speaking in bullet points)Sentinel 2: “Cranial nerve monitoring pitfalls?”
Nancy/Dazzler dims the lights, showtime voice: “Pitfalls include: poor electrode placement, anesthetic depth confounders—” cue synth bassline “—and that one resident who thought EMG stands for Extremely Moody Graph.”
Examiner smiles. We call that a micro-pass.Sentinel 3: “Air embolism intra-op—recognition and management.”
Olivia/Thunderbird already has mannitol calculated for a different future, which spooks everyone in a comforting way. “Also, left lateral + flood field, please. I saw it in a premonition and in Miller.”
Scene 3: Boss Level – The OSCE Gauntlet
Station 1: EEG Montage Mayhem
Sheen/Rogue brushes past the mannequin, absorbs the collective knowledge of the neurotech tribe, and starts narrating the alpha waves’ backstory like a true-crime podcast.
Examiner, blinking: “Carry on.”
Station 2: BIS and the Existential Crisis
Jake/Beast quotes literature while calibrating: “As Miller once said—actually twice—context matters.” BIS obliges by settling at a photogenic 45. We take a selfie (mentally).
Station 3: MEP/SEP—Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Ethan/Cyclops opens the visor; all electrodes snap to attention at precisely correct impedances. Laila/Storm soft-summons a humidity sweet spot; frizz reduces; latency improves; mood stabilizes.
Station 4: Cranial Nerve Karaoke
“CN V—touchy-feely. CN VII—smile for the camera. CN IX—chokes on stress.”
Nancy/Dazzler performs a 30-second educational TikTok in her head (no one else sees it; everyone feels it).
Station 5: ABG Speedrun
Mason/Iceman cools the sample (and the examiner’s rising BP) while Max/Wolverine self-heals from a pipette poke and says, “Lactate’s fine. We are not.”
Emily/Shadowcat phases the sample past the queue and returns before anyone notices time; Noah/Professor X whispers the results to everyone’s cortex.
Station 6: The Consent of Destiny
Janet/Colossus holds the consent pad like a shield. “Risks, benefits, alternatives, and the existential truth that ‘quick case’ is a paradox.” Examiner nods. The pen survives. Barely.
Scene 4: The Long Case—Plot Twist Edition
The case reads: “Supratentorial mass. Midline shift. Raised ICP. Family WhatsApp group highly active.”
Kara/Phoenix levitates into calm leadership mode, dividing tasks with Jedi hand waves.
Olivia/Thunderbird forecasts a tricky venous sinus and hands over a plan that saves 12 minutes later.
Caleb/Gambit detonates a mnemonic that organizes the entire steroid/diuretic/hyperventilation algorithm into a comic-strip flow.
Logan/Mystique reappears as “Senior from Another Unit,” asking the dangerous question: “Can we do it awake?”
Mason/Iceman slides by: “We could, but should we?”
Jake/Beast: “Indications say maybe; logistics scream ‘not today.’”
Janet/Colossus stands between us and scope creep like a friendly iron door.
When the brain relaxes on schedule, there is a collective, silent standing ovation. (Silent because the examiner is writing something. We hope it’s “Excellent,” not “Interesting.”)
Scene 5: Viva Lightning Round (a.k.a. The Pop Quiz of Fate)
“Define Cushing’s triad.”
Everyone, in harmony: “Hypertension, bradycardia, irregular respiration.”
Nancy/Dazzler adds jazz hands mentally.“Rapid sequence vs. Modi-RSI in neuro?”
Sheen/Rogue, currently fluent in 4 guidelines: crisp, clean, and terrifyingly complete.“Differentials for delayed awakening.”
Ethan/Cyclops projects a risk matrix onto thin air. It’s beautiful. Someone claps. Might be us.“Complications of mannitol misuse.”
Olivia/Thunderbird lists three we haven’t even misused yet.“Why is the BIS 98 in a sleeping examiner?”
Jake/Beast: “Because consciousness is a spectrum and grading papers is stimulating.”
Montage: Training Sequences We Swear Happened
Laila/Storm cloud-seeding perfect humidity over electrode sites.
Mason/Iceman skating past ICU beds leaving a trail of optimally cooled saline.
Max/Wolverine regenerating a broken laryngoscope blade with raw determination.
Emily/Shadowcat walking through a bureaucracy wall marked “Signature Required.”
Caleb/Gambit turning sticky notes into guided missiles of memory.
Janet/Colossus using her forearm as a makeshift bookstand for You Know Which Big Textbook.
Logan/Mystique impersonating a printer to unjam it (heroic, unsettling).
Noah/Professor X mind-beaming “hydrate” every 30 minutes like a wellness app with telepathy.
Intermission Snack (Because We’re Still Human)
Two samosas. One shared chutney. A debate on whether “interesting” in examiner language means “good” or “prepare the defibrillator.”
Kara/Phoenix: “Good. It means good. Believe.”
Everyone: Believes harder than usual.
The Final Boss: “Teach the Examiner”
Twist card: “Reverse viva: explain a tricky concept to the panel in three minutes.”
We pick Venous Air Embolism (because drama).
Nancy/Dazzler dims imaginary house lights.
Ethan/Cyclops outlines the pathophys like laser calligraphy.
Mason/Iceman demonstrates the Durant maneuver with an ice-cube and a grape (don’t try that at home).
Olivia/Thunderbird delivers pre-emptive checklists for a complication that hasn’t occurred yet but already feels managed.
Sheen/Rogue signs off with pearls culled from absorbed consultant memories (all HIPAA-compliant, promise).
Examiners exchange the Look™—the one that says “we might pass them and also ask them to run next year’s workshop.”
Credits Roll (But We’re Not Done)
Results pending, but the vibe is optimistically caffeinated. We learned five things:
Panic is a poor study buddy. Team superpowers > solo spirals.
Humor protects hippocampi. If you can laugh, you can recall.
Logistics is a superpower. Shadowcat-ing through admin saves brain cells.
Checklists beat bravado. Gambit cards > guesswork.
Samosas are medicinal. Don’t @ me, it’s translational science.
Post-Credit Scene (because of course)
Noah/Professor X finally breaks free of the mind control.
“Team, I can read the examiners now… They’re hungry.”
Janet/Colossus lifts the snack table.
Max/Wolverine slices the cake with claws that are definitely OSHA-noncompliant.
Kara/Phoenix lights the single candle with a micro-Phoenix flicker.
Everyone: “To passing, to patients, to pals.”
Cue theme music. Fade out on BIS = 60, MAP stable, and a corridor full of residents who remembered why they signed up for this wild, wonderful, slightly ridiculous life.
Appendix: Micro-Hacks That Saved Our Mutant Skins
The “Two-Explain Rule”: explain every concept once to your peer and once to your future self (voice notes count).
The “Four Corners” OSCE prep: Pathophys → Monitoring → Management → Complications. Hit all four = instant structure.
The “Mood Map”: If the examiner smiles, you’re doing fine. If they write for more than 7 seconds, you’re doing great.
The “Samosa Protocol”: Carbs before and after viva. Science pending; morale proven.
Final rallying cry:
When the viva gets tough, Artemis gets mutant. And on days like today, we’re reminded: with great power comes great… post-call naps. See you on the other side of the results, heroes.